guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
