4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
