a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
