Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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