Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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