so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
