I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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