Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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