Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
