just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
