Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish i was in the wii world.
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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