and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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