I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
