good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
