gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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