My liver just broke up with me...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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