i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
