I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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