My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
