I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
