Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
