Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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