so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
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Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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