By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
