At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
