He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
