dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I looked at my own cervix.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
