my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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