Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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