If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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