I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
