he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
