I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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