My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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