Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
