Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
