I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
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Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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