The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
