At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
