Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
