theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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