Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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