Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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