i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
