Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
