what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
