you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think my moral compass just broke
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
