I wish my penis had an off switch
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
