ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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