If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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