I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
