hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
