If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
