Whod you bang
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
